I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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