The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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