I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
