I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
