You work out of a Hotel?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
