The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize