party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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