Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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