And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
