Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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