I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
