i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Randomize
