im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
