also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
