areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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