The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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