Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
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I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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