Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
