Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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