My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
