barbara walters just said penis...
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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