i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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