I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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