I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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