you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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