Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This baby is an asshole
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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