I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
