Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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