i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
ttyl tear gas
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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