I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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