Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
