i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
