I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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