Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
