I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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