There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
