Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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