Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
