my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
