I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.