I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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