things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
