Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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