the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
