That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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