I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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