I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Green mimosas i think yes
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
