I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
