A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
