got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
