Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
