mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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