dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
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I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
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We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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