Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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