I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
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couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
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Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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