I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
