I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
