I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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