I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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