I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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