I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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