Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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