I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
